Movies Watched -- Eyimofe (2020)

In Nigerian English. 116 minute running time so at least 16 minutes too long. If you’re interested in seeing what life in Nigeria is like, you can watch this movie, but be warned: it’s grim. It’s crowded and dirty and chaotic and people rip each other off at every turn and family relationships are all screwed up and people do the most desperate things to try to get the hell out of there, and who can blame them?

The movie kicks off with a horrific tragedy, so it can’t really go downhill from there. Two separate stories about two decent people, one man, one woman (and her little sister who is pregnant) that sort of intersect, but not really. It’s not a badly made movie, but it’s not fun to watch. You’ll count your lucky stars that you weren’t born in Nigeria. I have zero interest in visiting Africa, except for maybe going on a posh safari.

I watched this movie because it was another Criterion title that had only been picked once (by Ayo Edebiri) in the whole history of closet picks.

Rating: 3 or even 2.5 given that it’s a little too long. It’s not terrible, but you really have to be interested in watching what life is like in Lagos (spoiler: it’s awful) to enjoy it. “A vivid snapshot of life in contemporary Lagos, whose social fabric is captured in all its vibrancy and complexity,” says Criterion.

Are you going to fix everything here?

Movies Watched -- Investigation of a Citizen Above Suspicion (1970)

In Italian. 115 minute running time so around 15 minutes too long, but this was not bad… a political movie, commentary on the state of the nation of Italy, circa 1970. I saw this because only one person (Asif Kapadia) who visited the Criterion Closet chose it, and when I went back to see what he said, I realized it was a random pick he made since he liked the title (it is a very good title). Given my new rating system, this is a 4 (you should see it) or possibly a 3.5 given the overly long running time.

It’s a good idea anyway and pretty well executed.

You're a citizen of a democracy, not a horse.

Maoxian's New Rating System for Movies

I used to have a red (stop), yellow (consider), green (go) rating system for movies, but there’s not enough nuance there, so I’ve switched to a five star system. I’m also going to employ a half-star between three and four, and three and two.

• Five is a must-see. Life changing or makes you change the way you think. There are not many movies that get this rating.

• Four is a should-see. I enjoyed it, but it doesn’t deserve the highest rating.

• Three means I finished it, didn’t hate it. But it’s not a should-see. It’s not terrible, parts of it could even be good. Oftentimes decent movies that are too long get this rating.

• Two means it’s bad. Avoid.

• One means it’s terrible. I regret seeing it.

By the end of 2026 I should have a public, sortable spreadsheet for all the movies I’ve seen with their respective rating.

Yorgos Lanthimos’s Closet Picks in the Criterion Closet

I’ve added the six movies that Yorgos Lanthimos picked in his second Criterion Closet appearance.

• Inland Empire

• Carnal Knowledge

• Mikey and Nicky

• Black God, White Devil

• Persona

• Three Films by Luis Buñuel

Yorgos Lanthimos made one original pick this time: Inland Empire. This is why my Master List of Closet Picks in the Criterion Closet is so valuable.

Movies Watched -- Claire's Knee (1970)

106 minute running time … filmed around Lake Annecy which is absolutely gorgeous… the movie is about as French as you can get, you know: temptation, romance, passion, promiscuity, desire, seduction, sex ... handsome older guy (Jerome) has a beautiful novelist friend (Aurora) who is lodging at a house where two teenage girls are spending the summer, one of whom (Claire) is stunning, the other girl is just sort of goofy. Everybody is rich and good looking. Jerome is there for three weeks to sell the old family home.

In the end Jerome concocts this whole idea in his mind that by touching Claire’s knee he has made himself a moral man and is ready for marriage. It’s sort of funny, I can’t explain it well … you’d have to see it to understand it. I enjoyed the movie, it gets a yellow rating.

Sean Baker is the only guest to the Criterion Closet who picked this movie specifically (though many have picked the Rohmer box set).

Allow me to massage your finger

Movies Watched -- Certain Women (2016)

107 minute running time … Montana, three separate “stories,” but there was no there there. Laura Dern (Bruce Dern’s daughter) … hostage negotiation with Lane Price from Mad Men (Jared Harris is a talented actor) … Michelle Williams (Larry’s daughter) wants some sandstone from an old guy she gives a phony smile to … Kristen Stewart, the world’s worst actress (widely acknowledged); Kristen going with dirty hair and baggy eyes to give her character depth.

I learned of this movie from Lily Gladstone’s appearance in the Criterion Closet, which was unfortunate since watching this was a waste of time. She is a chunky Indian girl (injun not red dot) who needs to paint her ceiling. Her story with Kristen Stewart was a sort of failed lesbian love story? It was supposed to be sort of sad, maybe? Big puppy dog eyes and no words.

Kelly Reichardt could be a nepo baby or has funding from some mysterious source? Terrible. Don’t see this.

Mick LaSalle got it right: “‘Certain Women’: Just like real life, and just as boring”

Chris Nashawaty says “Certain Women is … kind of an aimless drag. It isn’t until the last third that the film finally comes to heartbreaking life.” About the failed lesbian love story he says it’s “too little too late.”

The always reliable Rex Reed says “'Certain Women' is the latest thumping bore from Kelly Reichardt.” … “three separate, unrelated and thoroughly inconsequential short stories about lonely, miserable women in the isolated landscape of Montana” … “Kelly Reichardt, a writer-director-editor who makes bland, low-budget films about various hidden aspects of women’s lives they are reluctant to reveal, then take forever to do so.” “The abbreviated direction leaves the working-class female characters with nothing to do and even less to say, and the script offers no helpful information about who they are or how they feel about their dead-end lives. Ambiguity reigns.” “I embrace subtlety on the screen as much as any critic, but somewhere between spaces and pauses, a movie has to turn up somewhere.”

God bless Rex!

Don’t bite my lip, don’t bite my lip, don’t bite my lip…

Nia DaCosta's Closet Picks in the Criterion Closet

I’ve added the nine movies that Nia DaCosta picked in her Criterion Closet appearance.

• Barry Lyndon

• Come and See

• Love & Basketball

• Phoenix

• Summer Hours

• The Complete Films of Agnès Varda

• The Cranes Are Flying

• The Power of the Dog

• Twin Peaks: Fire Walk with Me (rando pick)

Nia DaCosta made two original picks: Phoenix and Summer Hours. This is why my Master List of Closet Picks in the Criterion Closet is so valuable.

Taschen's Movies of the 1930s

A list of 85… I guess they couldn’t come up with round number 100 even after sneaking in movies from the 1940s.

1. À nous la liberté 1931

2. City Lights 1931

3. Dracula 1931

4. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde 1931

5. Frankenstein 1931

6. The Public Enemy 1931

7. The Threepenny Opera 1931

8. M 1931

9. Blonde Venus 1932

10. Freaks 1932

11. Grand Hotel 1932

12. I Am a Fugitive from a Chain Gang 1932

13. I Was Born, But... 1932

14. Scarface 1932

15. Shanghai Express 1932

16. Tarzan the Ape Man 1932

17. The Blue Light 1932

18. The Testament of Dr. Mabuse 1932

19. Trouble in Paradise 1932

20. Vampyr 1932

21. Duck Soup 1933

22. Ecstasy 1933

23. 42nd Street 1933

24. I'm No Angel 1933

25. King Kong 1933

26. Playing at Love 1933

27. Queen Christina 1933

28. The Private Life of Henry VIII 1933

29. Cleopatra 1934

30. It Happened One Night 1934

31. L'Atalante 1934

32. The Prodigal Son 1934

33. The Thin Man 1934

34. Viva Villa! 1934

35. Anna Karenina 1935

36. Bride of Frankenstein 1935

37. Captain Blood 1935

38. David Copperfield 1935

39. Gold Diggers of 1935 1935

40. Mutiny on the Bounty 1935

41. The Informer 1935

42. The 39 Steps 1935

43. Top Hat 1935

44. A Day in the Country 1936

45. Desire 1936

46. Fury 1936

47. Modern Times 1936

48. Mr. Deeds Goes to Town 1936

49. San Francisco 1936

50. Things to Come 1936

51. Dead End 1937

52. La grande illusion 1937

53. Lost Horizon 1937

54. Pépé le Moko 1937

55. Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs 1937

56. Think Fast, Mr. Moto 1937

57. Alexander Nevsky 1938

58. Block-Heads 1938

59. Bringing Up Baby 1938

60. Olympia Part One: Festival of the Nations 1938

61. Olympia Part Two: Festival of Beauty 1938

62. Port of Shadows 1938

63. The Adventures of Robin Hood 1938

64. The Lady Vanishes 1938

65. Gone with the Wind 1939

66. Jesse James 1939

67. Ninotchka 1939

68. Stagecoach 1939

69. The Hunchback of Notre Dame 1939

70. The Roaring Twenties 1939

71. The Rules of the Game 1939

72. The Wizard of Oz 1939

73. The Women 1939

74. Wuthering Heights 1939

75. Fantasia 1940

76. His Girl Friday 1940

77. Rebecca 1940

78. The Bank Dick 1940

79. The Grapes of Wrath 1940

80. The Great Dictator 1940

81. The Mark of Zorro 1940

82. The Philadelphia Story 1940

83. The Shop Around the Corner 1940

84. The Thief of Bagdad 1940

85. High Sierra 1941

Taschen's 100 All-Time Favorite Movies Of The 20th Century

It’s a pretty good list! Sean Young made the cover.

1. The Birth of a Nation (1915)

2. Nosferatu: A Symphony of Horror (1922)

3. The Ten Commandments (1923)

4. The Gold Rush (1925)

5. Battleship Potemkin (1925)

6. The General (1926)

7. Metropolis (1927)

8. The Blue Angel (1930)

9. Under the Roofs of Paris (1930)

10. M (1931)

11. Duck Soup (1933)

12. King Kong (1933)

13. Modern Times (1936)

14. La grande illusion (1937)

15. Gone with the Wind (1939)

16. Fantasia (1940)

17. Citizen Kane (1941)

18. To Be or Not to Be (1942)

19. Casablanca (1942)

20. The Big Sleep (1946)

21. Beauty and the Beast (1946)

22. Notorious (1946)

23. The Treasure of the Sierra Madre (1948)

24. Bicycle Thieves (1948)

25. The Third Man (1949)

26. All About Eve (1950)

27. Rashomon (1950)

28. The Young and the Damned (1950)

29. Sunset Boulevard (1950)

30. A Streetcar Named Desire (1951)

31. The African Queen (1951)

32. High Noon (1952)

33. Fanfan la Tulipe (1952)

34. The Wages of Fear (1953)

35. La Strada (1954)

36. Rebel Without a Cause (1955)

37. The Night of the Hunter (1955)

38. Giant (1956)

39. The Searchers (1956)

40. Elevator to the Gallows (1958)

41. Wild Strawberries (1957)

42. Vertigo (1958)

43. The 400 Blows (1959)

44. Some Like It Hot (1959)

45. Ben-Hur (1959)

46. La Dolce Vita (1960)

47. L'Avventura (1960)

48. Psycho (1960)

49. Breakfast at Tiffany's (1961)

50. Lawrence of Arabia (1962)

51. To Kill a Mockingbird (1962)

52. Dr. Strangelove or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb (1964)

53. Goldfinger (1964)

54. Doctor Zhivago (1965)

55. Pierrot le fou (1965)

56. Andrei Rublev (1966)

57. Bonnie and Clyde (1967)

58. The Graduate (1967)

59. 2001: A Space Odyssey (1968)

60. Once Upon a Time in the West (1968)

61. Easy Rider (1969)

62. Midnight Cowboy (1969)

63. The Wild Bunch (1969)

64. Death in Venice (1971)

65. A Clockwork Orange (1971)

66. Deliverance (1972)

67. Cabaret (1972)

68. The Godfather (1972)

69. The Discreet Charm of the Bourgeoisie (1972)

70. A Woman Under the Influence (1974)

71. Chinatown (1974)

72. Jaws (1975)

73. 73. Jaws

74. One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (1975)

75. Taxi Driver (1976)

76. Star Wars: Episode IV - A New Hope (1977)

77. Annie Hall (1977)

78. The Deer Hunter (1978)

79. The Tin Drum (1979)

80. Mad Max (1979)

81. Apocalypse Now (1979)

82. Raging Bull (1980)

83. Fitzcarraldo (1982)

84. Fanny and Alexander (1982)

85. Scarface (1983)

86. Blade Runner (1982)

87. The 4th Man (1983)

88. Blue Velvet (1986)

89. Dead Ringers (1988)

90. The Silence of the Lambs (1991)

91. Forrest Gump (1994)

92. Chungking Express (1994)

93. Pulp Fiction (1994)

94. L.A. Confidential (1997)

95. Face/Off (1997)

96. The Celebration (1998)

97. All About My Mother (1999)

98. American Beauty (1999)

99. Magnolia (1999)

100. Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon (2000)

Maoxian's Consumable Gift Ideas

I only give consumable gifts at Christmas. Here are the consumable things that I recommend giving to people at Xmas time / Happy Chanuka:

Booze / Beer / Wine

This year I gave the Ommegang Advent Calendar, a Hermann Wiemer wine subscription, and a nice bottle of Japanese whisky.

Candles

Specifically, tapered candles from Kiri of Denmark.

Deodorant

Booda Butter is the best deodorant I’ve ever found.

Diffusers

I like diffusers better than scented candles … they are better value because they last several months instead of days or weeks.

Hand Cream

L’Occitane (pronounced LOX-EE-TAHN) makes great hand cream. 20% shea butter is plenty though they also make a 25%er.

Honey

Find your local honey guy and support him. Good honey costs $10 a pound or ~$20 for 2.5 pounds.

Marzipan

Only from Niederegger of course.

Pencils

Only from Blackwing of course.

Soap

Spending $25 on a bar of soap seems sort of insane, but it makes a nice gift and I love the smell of hinoki … also it’s very moisturizing without being oily.

Tea

I love Paromi’s cinnamon chai and drink it every day. Roobois means zero caffeine.

Thanks for reading and let me know if you have any other good ideas for consumable gifts.