Movies Watched -- Cooley High (1975)

107 minute running time so about seven minutes too long, but I quit watching this after ten minutes. I may have lasted longer if the disc had subtitles, but it didn’t, so I gave up pretty fast. This was about some black kids in Chicago circa 1964 … they’re sort of delinquents, cutting school and stealing and screwing girls. It’s a black culture movie, and I had zero interest in it.

I watched it because only one guest of the Criterion Closet (Luis Guzman) picked this movie. I’m surprised that Criterion re-issued this since it looked pretty terrible, but it might appeal to black people of a certain age?

Rating: 2. This is a good example of a 2 rated movie… it means I didn’t finish it. Rating 1 means I actually sat through it and regret doing so.

You ain’t gots no chance with that high yellow bitch!

Movies Watched -- If... (1969)

112 minute running time … so about 12 minutes too long. British public schoolboy revenge fantasy from the late 1960s … Malcolm McDowell plays Malcolm McDowell (he had the same role in A Clockwork Orange more or less) … rotten rich kids who hated the hypocrisy, the capricious authority, I guess... all about rebellion.

There’s a strong homosexual vein running through the whole movie as well. It’s an interesting movie, the flip flopping between color and black and white doesn’t delineate fantasy and reality, it’s not that simple. And the British Empire was pretty dead by 1969, I think.

I watched this because only one visitor to the Criterion Closet (Andrew Haigh) in the whole history of hundreds of visitors selected it.

Rating is 3.5 … I watched it start to finish, enjoyed a lot of it, though it’s a little too long.

Brunning! This is Jute. You're Jute's bumf tutor. Take him to the sweat room.

David Remnick’s Closet Picks in the Criterion Closet

I’ve added the nine movies that David Remnick picked in his Criterion Closet appearance.

• A Man Escaped

• Burden of Dreams

• By Brakhage: An Anthology, Volumes One and Two

• Citizen Kane

• King Lear

• Shoot the Piano Player

• The French Dispatch of the Liberty, Kansas Evening Sun

• The Wes Anderson Archive

• Thelonius Monk Straight, No Chaser

David Remnick made two original picks: The French Dispatch of the Liberty, Kansas Evening Sun and Shoot the Piano Player. This is why my Master List of Closet Picks in the Criterion Closet is so valuable.

Movies Watched -- Eyimofe (2020)

In Nigerian English. 116 minute running time so at least 16 minutes too long. If you’re interested in seeing what life in Nigeria is like, you can watch this movie, but be warned: it’s grim. It’s crowded and dirty and chaotic and people rip each other off at every turn and family relationships are all screwed up and people do the most desperate things to try to get the hell out of there, and who can blame them?

The movie kicks off with a horrific tragedy, so it can’t really go downhill from there. Two separate stories about two decent people, one man, one woman (and her little sister who is pregnant) that sort of intersect, but not really. It’s not a badly made movie, but it’s not fun to watch. You’ll count your lucky stars that you weren’t born in Nigeria. I have zero interest in visiting Africa, except for maybe going on a posh safari.

I watched this movie because it was another Criterion title that had only been picked once (by Ayo Edebiri) in the whole history of closet picks.

Rating: 3 or even 2.5 given that it’s a little too long. It’s not terrible, but you really have to be interested in watching what life is like in Lagos (spoiler: it’s awful) to enjoy it. “A vivid snapshot of life in contemporary Lagos, whose social fabric is captured in all its vibrancy and complexity,” says Criterion.

Are you going to fix everything here?

Movies Watched -- Investigation of a Citizen Above Suspicion (1970)

In Italian. 115 minute running time so around 15 minutes too long, but this was not bad… a political movie, commentary on the state of the nation of Italy, circa 1970. I saw this because only one person (Asif Kapadia) who visited the Criterion Closet chose it, and when I went back to see what he said, I realized it was a random pick he made since he liked the title (it is a very good title). Given my new rating system, this is a 4 (you should see it) or possibly a 3.5 given the overly long running time.

It’s a good idea anyway and pretty well executed.

You're a citizen of a democracy, not a horse.

Maoxian's New Rating System for Movies

I used to have a red (stop), yellow (consider), green (go) rating system for movies, but there’s not enough nuance there, so I’ve switched to a five star system. I’m also going to employ a half-star between three and four, and three and two.

• Five is a must-see. Life changing or makes you change the way you think. There are not many movies that get this rating. There are probably fewer than 100 movies that get this rating.

• Four is a should-see. I enjoyed it and recommend it, but it doesn’t deserve the highest rating. There are probably fewer than 1,000 movies that get this rating.

• Three means I finished it, didn’t hate it, but I have mixed feelings about it. It’s not a should-see. These movies are usually not terrible, parts of them could even be good. Oftentimes decent movies that are too long get this rating.

• Two means it’s bad. I stopped watching it shortly after starting it. Avoid. There are probably more than 100,000 movies that get this rating.

• One means it’s terrible. This is an even worse rating than 2 since it means I watched it long enough to regret even seeing it.

By the end of 2026 I should have a public, sortable spreadsheet for all the movies I’ve seen with their respective rating.

Yorgos Lanthimos’s Closet Picks in the Criterion Closet

I’ve added the six movies that Yorgos Lanthimos picked in his second Criterion Closet appearance.

• Inland Empire

• Carnal Knowledge

• Mikey and Nicky

• Black God, White Devil

• Persona

• Three Films by Luis Buñuel

Yorgos Lanthimos made one original pick this time: Inland Empire. This is why my Master List of Closet Picks in the Criterion Closet is so valuable.

Movies Watched -- Claire's Knee (1970)

106 minute running time … filmed around Lake Annecy which is absolutely gorgeous… the movie is about as French as you can get, you know: temptation, romance, passion, promiscuity, desire, seduction, sex ... handsome older guy (Jerome) has a beautiful novelist friend (Aurora) who is lodging at a house where two teenage girls are spending the summer, one of whom (Claire) is stunning, the other girl is just sort of goofy. Everybody is rich and good looking. Jerome is there for three weeks to sell the old family home.

In the end Jerome concocts this whole idea in his mind that by touching Claire’s knee he has made himself a moral man and is ready for marriage. It’s sort of funny, I can’t explain it well … you’d have to see it to understand it. I enjoyed the movie, it gets a yellow rating.

Sean Baker is the only guest to the Criterion Closet who picked this movie specifically (though many have picked the Rohmer box set).

Allow me to massage your finger

Movies Watched -- Certain Women (2016)

107 minute running time … Montana, three separate “stories,” but there was no there there. Laura Dern (Bruce Dern’s daughter) … hostage negotiation with Lane Price from Mad Men (Jared Harris is a talented actor) … Michelle Williams (Larry’s daughter) wants some sandstone from an old guy she gives a phony smile to … Kristen Stewart, the world’s worst actress (widely acknowledged); Kristen going with dirty hair and baggy eyes to give her character depth.

I learned of this movie from Lily Gladstone’s appearance in the Criterion Closet, which was unfortunate since watching this was a waste of time. She is a chunky Indian girl (injun not red dot) who needs to paint her ceiling. Her story with Kristen Stewart was a sort of failed lesbian love story? It was supposed to be sort of sad, maybe? Big puppy dog eyes and no words.

Kelly Reichardt could be a nepo baby or has funding from some mysterious source? Terrible. Don’t see this.

Mick LaSalle got it right: “‘Certain Women’: Just like real life, and just as boring”

Chris Nashawaty says “Certain Women is … kind of an aimless drag. It isn’t until the last third that the film finally comes to heartbreaking life.” About the failed lesbian love story he says it’s “too little too late.”

The always reliable Rex Reed says “'Certain Women' is the latest thumping bore from Kelly Reichardt.” … “three separate, unrelated and thoroughly inconsequential short stories about lonely, miserable women in the isolated landscape of Montana” … “Kelly Reichardt, a writer-director-editor who makes bland, low-budget films about various hidden aspects of women’s lives they are reluctant to reveal, then take forever to do so.” “The abbreviated direction leaves the working-class female characters with nothing to do and even less to say, and the script offers no helpful information about who they are or how they feel about their dead-end lives. Ambiguity reigns.” “I embrace subtlety on the screen as much as any critic, but somewhere between spaces and pauses, a movie has to turn up somewhere.”

God bless Rex!

Rating: 1. I regret watching this. I will avoid everything that Kelly Reichardt has made or will make.

Don’t bite my lip, don’t bite my lip, don’t bite my lip…

Nia DaCosta's Closet Picks in the Criterion Closet

I’ve added the nine movies that Nia DaCosta picked in her Criterion Closet appearance.

• Barry Lyndon

• Come and See

• Love & Basketball

• Phoenix

• Summer Hours

• The Complete Films of Agnès Varda

• The Cranes Are Flying

• The Power of the Dog

• Twin Peaks: Fire Walk with Me (rando pick)

Nia DaCosta made two original picks: Phoenix and Summer Hours. This is why my Master List of Closet Picks in the Criterion Closet is so valuable.